Ideologically liberal, practically conservative
In my last post, The Ones Yelling the Loudest are Usually the Ones Who Most Need to Listen to What They’re Advocating, I wrote about this topic from a political standpoint — intellectualizing it outside of myself. Today, I want to talk about its impact on me personally and sexually.
Being exposed to the boyfriend’s culture, has been psychologically oppressive and damaging to me. And, if we’re to move forward into monogamous partnership, it’s something we have to overcome together.
“Except, I was knocked off kilter when we showed up. She looked me over and her countenance fell into a sort of disapproving disgust. “Oh”, I thought. “It’s OK to point out, appreciate, and gawk at other sexually attractive women, but they’re outside of us. We’re supposed to be dignified. I’m not supposed to be one of ‘those women’.”
I’m not supposed to be one of ‘those’ women as his partner. Except being one of those women is why we ended up together.
We were out at a brewery a few months ago. On our way out, we snagged a free copy of Maine’s, beer & weed magazine.
I didn’t have to ask which female was most attractive to him. The more aggressively slutty, with an edge of danger, the better.
However, since we’ve been seriously together, I’m not supposed to look or be like her anywhere outside the bedroom.
The problem? As we’ve gone along, even in the bedroom, if I attempt to look and be like her, it has the opposite effect. Leaving not even enough room to be ‘a lady in the streets, freak in the sheets’. It’s translated to me as a no-win situation. I have to be a lady — period. I’ve had to fight to let my freak flag fly and know that it will be accepted and appreciated.
His culture, his past experience, very much divides wife material from what is actually sexually alluring and exciting. I’m not supposed to be one of those women as his partner, but he and his buds are supposed to have a free pass for looking longingly at what actually excites them.