I know that my bent toward analysis and reflection is strong and that it has the potential of drawing me away for just experiencing life. I’ve been aware and making moves to balance it, but it needs to stay balanced.
I’ve been swept away by emotional instinct in non-monogamy. I’ve learned a lot about conscientiousness over the last three years. I’ve learned a lot about knowing what is driving me and the importance of deciding how to proceed responsibly because when I don’t, things get messy and painful.
Some look at nonmonogamy and think, “Isn’t it about being free to have all those experiences??” Yes, but no. Yes, I’m free to enjoy connecting with multiple lovers but doing so while also being in secure attachment partnerships that are impacted by me taking that liberty.
I can’t just think, “This feels good to me so I’m going to pursue it.” And then start pursuing it as if I were single and my pursuit doesn’t impact anyone other than myself. I have to understand why it feels good, weigh the validity of the feeling, examine the other options for reaching satisfaction, and consider more than just my experience.
Anyone who has been non-monogamous for any length of time will (or at least they should) tell you that it’s better not to have a ton of rules over each other’s engagement with others. And this, because as you go along, the more rules there are the likelier it is that you’ll end up challenged by or outright breaking them. And, breaking them causes a mess and pain for all involved.
We think if we have rules, we aren’t going to have to think as much — we’re safe. But, when, not if, those rules are challenged, you’ll be in a position of having to be conscientious and if you’re not practiced in that skill, you’ll be faced with all manner of messy and painful struggles. You’ll discover how the rules aren’t protection, they’re a cover up for how underdeveloped you actually are in being conscientious, caring of your impact on others, and how responsible for yourself and your movement through the world you actually haven’t been.
Religiously, this is a major part of Christianity that a lot of people misunderstand. The Old Testament had all the rules … so many rules. The rules had one purpose: To show us we fall short, not to make us feel…