Insights About Adultery

I’ll go ahead and address the elephant in the room: Yes, nearly half of my lovers were cheating.

Song lyrics from Melanie Martinez’s, Pacify Her, on her 2015 Cry Baby album, describe the popular view of cheaters and their partners:

“Tired, blue boy walks my way

Holding a girl’s hand

That basic bitch leaves finally

Now I can take her man

Someone told me, stay away from things that aren’t yours

But was he yours, if he wanted me so bad?

Pacify her

She’s getting on my nerves

You don’t love her

Stop lying with those words”

While there certainly can be truth to those thoughts, most of my experiences with cheaters did not fit so neatly into that box. That, and while removing as much morality and judgment from my personal guidelines as I could, I’d opened myself up to sexual experiences with those who simply shared a good connection, at no point did I have the desire or motivation to “take her man”.

I was no Jolene threat for any married woman on my journey.

“And I can easily understand

How you could easily take my man

But you don’t know what he means to me, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

I’m beggin’ of you, please don’t take my man

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

Please don’t take him just because you can”

While in the stages of considering openness, I was challenged with the idea that a man could love his wife, want to stay with her, want to keep the life they were building or had built together, but need or want more and enjoy others on the side. I found that I could understand this.

There is a difference between love and being loving. For many on my journey, love was a sincere reality for them toward their wives. If there’s a moral point to argue, it’s that by cheating — lying and moving in secrecy to get what you want and/or need while taking the risk of hurting your loved one — it’s that the choice to cheat is not behaving lovingly.