Monogamy Journey — Month 4: We’re About to Get Real or Get Done
We’re just getting back from another attempt at traveling together.
First, it was a far better time than we’ve had in the past.
We both agree to that.
Where we diverge is in what the recognition did in us individually.
For him, it gave a sense of being on the right track. And that’s not wrong. It’s patience, taking the long view.
For me, I still felt how far off we are. I felt our limitations and our boundaries. And that’s not wrong. It’s taken a long, hard four years to get as far as we have come and still not be anywhere near where I’d like us to be, it’s weariness.
During the training, and while talking about boundaries, the given reason for holding them was that when we don’t and we allow them to be trampled because we compromised them, resentment is seeded, watered, and grown. The instructor told us that boundaries are loving. When the fence is constructed, you’re able to run around freely within it. Again, I’m not learning anything conceptually new.
And I felt that.
Boundaries aren’t just about what you can handle or not handle, they’re also sometimes about the boundaries around yourself. Giving or bending too much can be just as damaging as not giving or bending enough.
I felt the resentment of our only vacation for the year being a matter of fitting me into his past rather than deprioritizing that specific past activity in favor of planning something new with me for us. I embraced it and made the best of it, but it was me bending, yet again, to where he is. The boundary I bent was to, once again, put myself, my desires, my dream for me and us on hold to meet him where he’s still at. And that has been my habit for the past four years.
I was vulnerable in my one-on-one session over boundaries: That I recognize how often I’ve softened them to be in this and that it’s very hard to strengthen them now. If I were to try to hold to them now, it feels unloving. I’ve said, “OK, I’ll meet you where you’re at no matter what I want for myself” too many times and that’s what feels like love between us. Sometimes I have to not love me to stay close to him.