I’ve been staying quiet about the journey while the two of us work through things, often, in our own minds.
At this point …
Mutual conclusion between us: Neither of us feels ready for what it means to be monogamously married. Both of us understand that there is a level of individual independence, albeit different, we want to maintain for ourselves that doesn’t fit neatly into the typical relationship escalator of marriage.
Companionship is as close a term as I can use to describe what it is that we are prepared to offer each other. That is the reality of our relationship for the time being, possibly the future, as we now know that we’re not ready to build any kind of life together, we just don’t want to lose sharing some of our lives with each other.
And, that reality comes with some parameters, as does any relationship structure. Namely, when we’re together, we’re together. When we’re not, our time is our own.
Independant conclusion for me:
I am Polyamorous — period.
I love who I love. I have sexual attraction to others regularly. I’m a free spirit and my soul is wilting and dying in captivity. I snapped last week and run away — literally. I’m very certain at this point that I never want to be monogamous again. I, now, need to be free.
Nonmonogamy hurt him and wasn’t what he wanted, so I gave him monogamy, offered to give him what he thought he wanted, but it’s hurting me. I have to compromise too much of myself to move toward romantic/sexual fidelity with just him. Some of that is the dynamic that exists between us and some of it is just me needing to be freely me. I called the bluff, as it were, and in so doing exposed more clearly for us both what is real and what, no matter how hard we wish it, is just wishful thinking.
Several of the things that I’ve been learning in my certification have contributed, as well as experiences from within of our relationship and from outside of it.
In my training, we’ve covered some really good ground over the last three modules. Again, not much of anything conceptionally new (though a couple of things), but just from new and helpful angles. We delved into attachment styles.