September Writing Challenge — Day 21: Self -Protection

I’m challenging myself to a daily writing prompt through September. Instead of finding a pre-prepared list, this year, I’m going with a Writing Prompt Generator. The prompt for the day will be added to the story in quote format.

Have you ever done something that doesn’t screw everyone over, or is that just your goal in life: To make everyone as miserable as you?

The ascribing of intentional malice is not my go-to jam. And the bitterness of this quote is not a healthy, healing view of anyone.

However, I intimately understand the emotions behind what can cause someone to say such things. It’s an outward projection of blame when really what’s going on is inward pain over how someone else’s actions had a negative impact on you … on me.

I have an intense need to not cross my streams of relationship eco systems right now. I’ve done a lot of work to deconstruct for understanding, heal and forgive, but what happened stole my sense of security and trust for people in general and over some, for specific reasons. While I absolutely loath being in this emotional spot, I’m also going to respect it until I can get past it. It is unsafe for me to work against compartmentalizing my relationships from each other for the time being because I know I won’t be able to handle any more messes as I am now.

I can’t even begin to consider it. The idea of letting people from one stream cross into another instantly creates stomach churning knots and increased heart rate that I have to literally breathe through in order to be well. I’m experiencing anxiety attacks and while I am aware that it’s #notall, I have to apply it across the board right now.

A carpet of confidence got ripped out from under me and I need to find my solid footing again.

Letting those streams cross wasn’t always comfortable or easy for me. However, I took my hands off and hoped for the best. I got the worst and, while I know applying it across the board is not who I want to be over the long run (so, I’m working to get past it), I also know my anxiety isn’t unfounded and I’m respecting it while I let it work in me a new level of balanced caution.