We all have our standards — this is not a self-righteous attack on having them. I have mine too. This is a reminder of what ‘standards’ fundamentally are and why we should give grace to others.
“I have high standards”, can sound like confidence and strength to some.
But, to me, it mostly sounds like fear, weakness, and an attempt at self-protection. Whether that self-protection is warranted or not, that’s what standards fundamentally are — a way to judge whether or not someone else can or should have a place in our experience.
When your standards are in place to help you achieve a goal, they’re a strength. When your standards are in place to measure the value of another human being against your own, they’re a display of your weakness.
As per usual, The Aquarius and I tend to go through similar life experiences at about the same time. I kissed a hobo, and he got accused of having low standards from a new connection he really liked. And, after another valuable sharing of our experiences, as good friends are prone to do, he said his usual, ‘There’s a good blog post here.’ And he’s not wrong.
I am discovering an interesting pattern. I’m starting to see that single women, who are out in the kink/non-monogamy dating realm, who are overly concerned with sexual health, are really, really fearful of a lot. And I’m starting to see that heightened, exaggerated concerns are, I think, really not about sex or health risks at all.
They’re about insecurity and control. At such high levels of needing to feel secure, they’re really about wanting a partner whether they recognize that or not.
“I’m comfortable having sex with you because you’re only having sex with one other person.”
Wait for it. That’s a person who is looking for security. That’s a person who wants you to make them feel secure. If you engage that person, you’re already being a partner for them and if they feel secure with you, they’re going to want more of that. Feelings beyond sex will develop because they think they’re just looking for the sex but, really, they want the security of as close to a monogamous experience as they can get.
Identifying that you desire sex as a part of your experience while unpartnered and being sexually liberated are not the…