I can’t help my sexual temperament
Noone with a jealous and possessive nature could peacefully and happily attach themselves to me. Even when I’m not looking for sexual energy, it finds me, even when I’m not thinking about sex, I can be easily accelerated. Even when I’m sincerely putting a tremendous amount of energy into sexual ‘purity’ — right down to control of my thoughts — even when I’m trying, I’m easily accelerated by and easily accelerate others.
I’m not bragging — there have been times in my life when it’s been a real pain in the ass.
In memory, there has never been a time I haven’t been aware of my sexual stimulation response both in my body and through attraction to others and recognizing their attraction to me. I was dreaming about having sex before I knew what sex was or how it functionally occurred. In early childhood, I had a reoccurring dream about a mermaid having her belly button penetrated by something that wasn’t attached to anything I could see.
Thinking back on it, what I saw was the mermaid receiving sexual pleasure — I can still see her face and body movements in my mind, and I experientially know them well now. It sexually stimulated me before I cognitively knew what any of that meant. From this vantage point, I think it was a mermaid in the dream because at those early ages I was unaware that my vagina was the place for penetration and that I couldn’t see what was attached to the penetrative element was that I was unaware that penises are the penetrators.
One of my earliest memories: When I was maybe 5 years old, I’d had a bout of bed wetting. My mom, to save her sanity, put me back into a bedtime diaper for a time. My self-employed father had a young man working for him and I was sexually attracted to him — the same feelings I get in attraction now, were present then. One morning he was there before work, and I was aware of his presence. I melted down when my mom came to wake me up and get me ready for my school day because I was certain that he could hear the sounds of her removing my diaper and it embarrassed me because I was attracted to him — again, 5 years old.