You learn quickly, what kind of person is an appropriate partner and what kind isn’t.
My life is too short to spend any more time teaching a human being (other than my children) how to be vulnerable, open, and honest communicators of their truth, inner world, and their experience. I cannot be responsible for a lack of self-examination, emotional intelligence, and/or conscientious respectfulness of another adult human.
My life is exceptionally full. I need the right partners. And as I’ve gone along in non-monogamy, I’ve learned to identify what makes a partner right for me — partners who can happily run around with me inside the boundaries, the fence of what we can and cannot share.
This isn’t about what you get from or give to a partner, that’s individual to the bond you share. This is about overall character, personal development, that shows preparedness for what it means to explore what you can give and get from and with someone who is non-monogamous.
There’s a fine balance between compassionately acknowledging someone else’s pain and taking responsibility for it. The right kind of partner lends compassion and support in appropriate ways but doesn’t take on responsibility for my happiness and doesn’t ask me to do that for them. We should add to each other’s happiness, not be dependent on each other for it.
Again, my political view of the world, libertarian anarchy, or voluntaryism, impacts my movement through non-monogamy. There should be no coercion in my partnerships, only informed consent with people who are able to be responsible for themselves as I seek to be responsible for myself.
The right kind of partners respect you enough to try to understand your love and commitment to your other secure attachment partners. They try to understand that they can share a bond with you in the time and availability you have, but that you also share bonds with other people.
The wrong kind of partners don’t make any effort to understand this dynamic. The wrong kind of partner comes into…