After writing, Attunement: The Seat of My Resentment, I wanted to write about boundaries.
Boundaries aren’t concrete. They aren’t consistently true everywhere, all the time, with everyone. That’s a really important thing to understand in your partnerships.
I’m going to dance around a rather abstract concept and hope to bring it down to a practical level of understanding. There’s a reason that ‘being present’ is the verbiage we use to describe two people attuning to each other. It’s not happening in the past or the future — neither should dictate or control the present. You’re bridging the gap between your souls in the moment — the here and now. The experience does not and cannot be held to universal expectations and rules if you’re to actually achieve building that bridge in the moment.
Boundaries are based on many factors.
Boundaries that are about past wounds/trauma that haven’t been healed:
If, and hopefully when, they get healed, your boundaries are likely to change.
As I wrote in, The Five Senses of Sex: Taste, for a long time, I really struggled with having cum in my mouth. The first time I gave ‘head’ as a teen, the young man came in my mouth without giving me warning and it kind of traumatized me. It was a lack of consideration that took control from me and it was a very long time before I could get to allowing it again.
It is still a bit of a boundary for me based on individuals, but I sometimes yearn for it from the boyfriend, where it was universally a boundary before because of unhealed wounds. The wounds are healed now, and in some cases, I don’t need that boundary any longer.
Boundaries that are about past experience with an individual:
If, and hopefully when, both you and your partner or other individuals you’re in relationships with, grow as individuals and as a couple, you may not need those boundaries anymore. Or you may discover new ones that you do need now.
I’ve written before about how my husband, when first connecting with a lover was given a boundary: She asked him not to share their experience in conversation with me. That was hard on us both, but we both…